Once upon a time there was a person who all they wanted was to be anything other than who they were. They tried to do everything in their power to change who they were, inside and out. After years and years of trying to become something different, something they thought was better, they finally were able to deconstruct themselves into a thing they thought was better. But this wasn’t the case, the years of tinkering with their own body and mind was changing them into a monster, something much more monstrous than what they thought they were before. This made them afraid, and that fear swallowed them whole, and made them do horrible things trying to reverse these changes. the fear and desperation turned into destruction of everyone and everything around them, eventually destroying the one they love the most. after that, consumed with grief of everything they had done, they vowed to isolate themselves forever, fighting the monster inside, so to not hurt anything else.
But trying to be positive. Starting classes in the morning, little man starting his first day of preschool as well.
I am going to try and maintain some sort of posting relationship on both here, and on Tumblr. As in a daily or almost daily routine and schedule. I know I have promised this before, and them promptly fallen off the face of the earth. So this time I will do my damnedest to act like a responsible human that keeps their promises.
Me! I’m going back to school on Monday, which is a little over 24 hours away. I’m not sure I’m looking forward to it, as much as I am a complete ball of stress about it.
Not much to report besides working on my comic still. STILL! I’ve gotten a lot more finished since I decided on changing the direction of the story line to something less horrible. It was getting really depressing quickly with my previous incredibly bleak previous ideas.
I need to write. Practice practice! So I’m trying to write something every day. Even if it’s total dribble. Maybe I should be paying attention to my Tumblr too? Perhaps so, since it will be my route to get my comic out.
This is really just a blip of my comic book that I’m writing. Maybe a sort of sneak preview? I’m not sure how this particular scene will be in the comic, or if it will just be a small portrayal of Twenty-3 and Delphine’s life from the past (or present, haven’t decided).
This was a practice to see if I could make their interactions more life like, so if it seems to you to be a bit “slice of life,” you’re right. It is.
Tiny brushstrokes of footsteps approached them. Nothing too shocking, since Del’s dancer frame and body would gracefully amble about the apartment, whether she meant to or not.
Twenty-3 had been thinking about leaving for work, but the amount of time it took to get dressed and get ready for the day kept them from moving out of their seat at the computer. Just a little more research, Twenty-3 thought mindlessly to themself.
– T, we need to get some cashews and olive oil at the store, we’ve been out for days and I want to make that cashew cheese again.
Del was looking extra cute today, Twenty-3 wondered if she had to be somewhere important, or if it was for their benefit that she dressed up this way today. She had her hand on her hip, looking a mix between pouty and playful.
Sigh, okay. I guess it was time to get up and do things like a normal person. Time to look normal, be normal. Normal human words with normal human interactions.
– Alright, can you send me a list so I don’t forget?
Trying to hide the fact that they had 40 tabs open on their laptop, they as nonchalantly as possible, closed their laptop shut. There’s no reason to start a conversation about this right now. Nor did they really think Del would, since this was work. Work and home life are separate things. That’s what a normal person would say.
Casually smile, act casual, don’t slouch, slope the shoulders back, don’t be weird.
Del fluttered her hands about excited, clearly thinking about something that would require more effort on T’s part than they had anticipated.
– Ohh we could go to the farmer’s market, couldn’t we? Or the co-op store?
Her face fell, giving way to her clearly remembering her obligations she must have? Or is there something else.
– Oh but I have a meeting today… okay well still! Fine, fine you go to the store, and I’ll send the list, I’ll go to my meeting…
She trailed off as she spun on her heels to the other room, not finishing her sentence. Alright. T was used to that by now, even though it was a bit frustrating when they couldn’t always understand what that meant, or if she actually finished her thought.
Stand up, act normal. Put on shoes. Socks first. Don’t act weird. Be normal.
– Alright, Del, I’ll go to the store after work, have a good meeting.
From the back room, Del shouted some non descript farewell with a muffled “love you!” attached at the end. Normal people say things like that, they should respond in turn.
– Love you too.
It felt garbled and broken in their mouth, but they let the words fall out. Where they belong.
I have been on the AIP for almost 3 months now, and working out at the gym fairly regularly (except when i get sick, and that almost month off of the beginning of AIP) since September 2015.
I have seen lots of positive changes in my thinking, mental processing, and fatigue. I have lost a lot of water weight, and my lymph issues are getting dramatically better. I have gained lots of muscle from weight training, and I feel a lot more capable, in general, with my body.
I hqve started my comic book (dream I have had since I was a little girl), and am almost done with the skeleton of a draft, after ripping apart my first drafts. I’ve made lots of progress in my writing methods, and even though I’m terrified of putting my comic out there, I’m still pressing forward.
Things are going really well, all in all.
So why am I still (if not worse) having depression issues? I figured if I were working on my goals (lifestyle and health and creative forces) I would be happy. It feels like, if anything, my depression/feelings of failure and inadequacy are worse now. It really doesn’t make sense to me right now.
What’s wrong with me that I can’t be happy? Am I that broken that even success can’t help me not feel like a trash panda?
I just don’t know anymore what will make the depression better.
I am not that creative right now. I recently was able to eat chocolate, as long as it’s allergen free, and preferably sweetened with honey instead of sugar.
Even if I am not logging in as much blog time, which I promised to a friend (who also blogs, and is kicking my ass at it), at least I am still logging into my journal almost daily. That’s something, right.
It has almost been 3 months since I started the AIP (Autoimmune Paleo protocol), and I am just starting to feel the twinges of missing foods that I can’t eat. Mainly things like cheese. Or tomatoes. Or mustard. Gluten free bread. Cashews. Cream. Tacos.
I really miss tacos.
I do feel really good, and my working out has been enhanced since I was able to figure out what carbs I can eat before working out in order to not pass out from being so lightheaded. I started taking Zumba, and it’s pretty alright as far as a dance class is concerned. I think I’d prefer having a little more time to learn what the moves are before going balls to the wall, but over time I’m sure I will catch on (or die).
My weight training has only somewhat suffered since I have been trying to juggle everything, on top of being sick.
It’s crazy, when I stopped the LDN I got an ear infection. I’m not saying they’re related, just a little fishy they happened so close together. I never get ear infections, at least not since I was 5.
Now I’m back on the LDN, and everything is rainbows. Rainbows and chocolate unicorns.
Swear to god, I need to get some creativity back or all my blog posts are going to be glurge.
Oh boy have things been different since I last posted an entry.
First, I am not in school. I don’t know when I will be back in school. I am totally okay with that for now.
I have totally changed my diet to a very strict version of the paleo diet called Autoimmune Paleo. I cringed using that D word, mainly because this is more of a lifestyle change for me, rather than a way to temporarily change me.
I feel a million times better, probably the best I’ve ever felt (besides when I fasted for 21 days). I have barely any pain, my sleep is better, I’m clearer, not bloated, and not tired all the time. Most importantly, I don’t get sick every time I eat. I can’t tell you how often I’d eat what normally would be a healthy meal (for most people), and I would end up exhausted, feeling sick to my stomach, and unable to think at all. It was horrible. I’d be afraid to eat anything, but not realize it was the little bits of food that I have issues with (namely: dairy, nightshades, and sugar) that were causing the fuss.
I am also implementing more than several supplements. Mostly things I never felt were important enough (or didn’t have the funds to pursue) to take previously. I always had the knowledge, but never utilized it all until recently. I wish I had done so years ago.
I have been doing this for almost 2 months now (starting date was December 1st, 2015), and don’t feel like stopping until at least a year. I don’t want to ever eat the way I did previously, even though I do miss tomatoes and spicy things sometimes. If these are the culprits making me ill, to hell with them.
An interesting reaction I’ve had since this journey started is that I sleep easier, and feel drowsy, when it is dark. Before I would be up all night or have trouble settling. Now I have a lot of trouble making it past 10 or 11 PM. This might be due to me taking low dose naltrexone now as well (also started on December 1st), which has also helped tremendously with a lot of my subtle (but added up quickly) odd symptoms of unease.
I also don’t feel starved anymore. I used to crash an hour or two after eating, and now I just feel the need to eat when I am hungry, instead of feeling the miserable, cloying hunger.
I started going to the gym as well, earlier than the start of everything else. I had to pause my standing regimen of going 5 days a week, since I do not have the stamina I had previously (one of the downfalls of changing everything). I have to now be very organized about when I go, since I don’t have the luxury of going at 10 or 11 at night anymore.
I have also started going to plays more. I go to our local experimental theater, and have really been happy going, even if it is usually alone. I felt for a long time that my creative and artistic side has been lacking, so making an effort to participate in the arts any way I can has been really helpful.
Maybe it’ll strike up my own creative juices to start painting or drawing again. I really want to start my old comic books again. I have been brimming lately with new ideas for a couple of my works.
I plan to not just sift through the chaos, but delve right in and frolic with it!