Serious discussion with myself

I’ve come to a realization that a lot of my life is based in fantasy.  I think about my future, a lot, and what I want to do with it, and how I want to get to where I want to go.  I think about it enough that I even get stressed out and anxious about how fast I’m getting there, and whether or not I’m making the right decisions about how to get from A to B.  But, I don’t do as much as I think about doing things.  I want to be an osteopath.  Badly.  I want to be able to go back to school, nicely, and get back into the groove of things since I had to quit school while I was pregnant (I had a relatively complex pregnancy), and have yet to get back into school.  I want to get my garden back in shape, and start growing seasonal vegetables and herbs.  I want to start my knitting and sewing projects piled up in my queue.  I know I’m hard on myself, it isn’t easy taking care of a baby, or taking care of my own health issues.  I sometimes think that I can be superman, that I can do everything all at once.  I get mad at myself when I don’t accomplish as much as I believe I should during a day.  I lay in bed at night, wondering what I could have done differently, cursing so-called bad decisions I made, or wishing I had done better.  I can’t imagine if I said any of what I say in my head out loud to my husband, what he’d say.  I’m sure it would be something along the lines of:

    Why are you worried about something so minimal?  It’s okay!   

And  I know he’s right, in my heart.  But it appears my brain likes to go in circus mode, spinning round and round the negativity throughout the day, until I’m so exhausted I finally fall asleep.

Why do I do this to myself?  It isn’t that I’m not doing things.  I do plenty of things.  I take care of my incredible and high needs baby.  I do domestic things around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry).  I do have several plants in pots outside that I tend to.  I have started one knitting project.  I keep up to date with my family in So-Cal and in Texas.  I have been working on writing again, hence this blog.  I mean, I really am doing things.  Why is it so hard to convince myself it is enough?

Today I decide that, yes, it is enough.  I am not on some sort of life schedule that I have to have anything done at a certain time at a certain date or I’m not worthy.  I get things done when I can, and it is okay if its not exactly when I want it to be done.  Everything is exactly how it should be.

My life doesn’t have to be based on fantasy, and really, it isn’t.  It is hard to see the pieces fitting together when you look at something through a microscope.  But assuredly, the pieces, even if they look insignificant, will all equal into a beautiful picture, much grander than anyone could ever imagine.  I need to trust that it will always work out, because it always does in the end.